Ive been in a relationship for a year now (im female) im pretty sure i love him and he loves me, but ive cheated on him numerous times. Twice with my drunkard fat ex‑b/f, numerous times wit my best friend (a guy). My b/f is not a normal one. Doesnt drive, take me out, he buys me things for special occasions and anniversaries, butt it isnt the same. My family and friends hate him because they think i deserve better. I put up with a lotta crap from him (he is brutally honest wit me and sometimes those things just really hurt) Ive made up these emense lies to keep him from getting mad at me when we have fights and its obviously my fault. I told him i thought i had luekemia, when i obviously didnt. I got so much attention for that, but it hurt him so bad making him think he may loose me to a disease. I didnt like seeing him like that, yet i did. He will always love me no matter wut, and i prolly will always love him. hes one of those tough nazi’s with the tender hearts inside, yet its not apparent to other people (thats y ppl think he isnt worth my time, cuz he isnt the normal loving b/f). I am an attention hog, always have been. When i feel i am not getting enuf attention i make up lies (mainly about health) He’s always told me he wants to marry me, even before we began having sex. I think its escalated now cuz he thinks since we have this physical bond, that i will always be his no matter wut i say/he says/happens. And he needs to simply realize that it will not always be this way. I want to eventually move on, but cannot stand to see him hurt. Im his first g/f (thats prolly y he thinks all these things) People call him a total looser, dont think hes hot and think hes got no motivation for anything in life above being a gamer/indie-rock nerd. But i love him, dont know wtf is wrong with me sometimes. Dont know y i stay with him. Im afraid to move forward and make a decision regarding this relationship. More about my best friend. He takes me out to eat, buys me things and just lets me be me. He thinks im hilarious and he made this long shout out to me in our yearbook (we’re seniors) He is obviously in love with me, but i dont see him like that. I am an extrememly messed up person. I am thinking about taking a “break” from my b/f to decide wut i want in life. wut kind of man i want to be with. wut i deserve. i think about nothing but my b/f’s wishes and dont want to hurt anyone, but i always do. and that hurts more than anything. all the guys in my life want to be with me, yet i pass them up cuz im with mr couch potato man (lol) am i wasting my life? He will never break up with me, the only way to do something with this man is for me to make the move. Other sick twisted things about myself: I think i raped a boy when i was 5 and he was 5. i used to make Barbie Porn up untill i was 14, for 3 years i pretended a baby doll was a real one. i named her and even baptized her in the kitchen sink!God that feels good, ill think of more later.
