i keep cheating. i met my current girl cheating on someone else. she trusts me now cos im a nice guy. i am. but when i go out i see sexy chicks and pick them up. given the circumstance i wold cheat every night. but im not like that yet i keep doin it. maybe its cos im bored of the relationship but still like/love her. maybe maybe i think i should be with someone better looking? is that shallow? i pick up really hot girls but they are idiots and i wouldnt want to go out with them. why am i doing this? i used to be a nice guy, now i live the lie of the man i used to be, the kind, smart, happy guy. now im manipulative, controlling and a cheater. but chics still dig me… im manic depressive, does that contribute? i have no respect for my father and belive he was a bad influence, even though i started ignoring his bullshit from 13, when i worked out im smarter than him and he is just a boy. but i keep acting like him when im mad. i masterbate all the time, and wish my girl would get me off while i view porno. if i have sex a lot, i find masterbating more satisfying. if i been battin off lots, sex is more releiving. what the? i think im smarter than most people. i think it even when i try and convince myself its not possible to be smarter than everyone, otherwise id be steven hawking or somehting. my successful friends i get really jelous of and want to scream BUT IM SMARTER THAN IN MANY WAYS YOU BITCH! but never have the courage, there stupid but successful, and i know why but im still jelous. i get in weird moods and hate the world and mutilate myself. then i have to go to work with it all covered up, and secretly i wish some hot chick would see it and want to look after me, i hate how obvious i am. when i do shit like that i know how much of a loser i am and that makes me mader at myself. i analyze everyone all the time, judging them. i really really want to be successful so i can prove to everyone how much better i am than them. im like this secretly but dont like it. i just want a good job, happy marriage and raise wonderful children. but ill fuck it up cos secretly im this fucked up egotistical loser whos problem is that i think about this too much.
